There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.