Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.