My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Nomnomnomnom
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: