Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
2 years later
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Important
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.