How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids