[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
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Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I am also baked goods
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
me hitting on a model
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West