I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The symmetry is uncanny.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Many hands make light work
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.