If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*lint rolls you awake*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
remember
only for emergencies
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
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£13k, Slough
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]