Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
You Might Also Like
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you