Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
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Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.