[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
You Might Also Like
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!馃槀
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won鈥檛 shut the hell up.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 馃ぃ
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
mom gave me mine for free
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: 馃檪
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 馃槓
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 馃え
Facial recognition: no
Me: 馃槖
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 馃ゴ
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that鈥檚 him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/