Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
i was baptized in a car wash
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Somebody call the cops.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.