If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed