#SuperBowl
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Awesome parenting 😂
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.