cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.