tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.