[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.