#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”