To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.