Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too