Do men still open car doors?
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ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
That earthquake could have been an email.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”