The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?