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I’m a self-made hundredaire
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals