*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
This meal prepping shit is easy
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
U talkin 2 me?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them