13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.