Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Mornin
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Imma just leave this here…………
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details