wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.