Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
me when the borders lift
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
guys I’m going home