I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
just gave your address to some spiders
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?