Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before