First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.