May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
HELP 😭
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Is your wife single?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul