Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You Might Also Like
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.