Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Watermelon Boss!
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Breakfast for Stoners:
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this