I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
secret recipe
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…