[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.