Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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