“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The news in a nutshell.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Breaking news:
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.