It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.