Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.