well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.