Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Any refunds available?…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
live long and prosper!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.