The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.