They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions