i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
excuse me
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.