Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Expect the unexporcupine.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep