If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know