*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
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Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.