Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when