Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My last name is Zilla.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son